A Letter to Doubt

Dear Doubt ~

It has been remarkable, your absence from this process ~ from my process of creation and re-creation. I am both comforted and scared to note that you have arrived, finally, with all the subtlety of a jackhammer on tissue paper. With your glorious flourishes intact. And yet, with all the power you command, you seem to revel in your ability to wreak havoc with simple, rolled eyes, condescending lips, nostrils flared from luxuriously slow, disapproving inhales. As if I'm not even worth the full force of your arsenal. You let me know that I am still very much Me and that a single round with you can render me immobile, sometimes for prolonged stretches. The true wonder of this moment lies not in your presence, but merely in your tardiness. Where have you been? And how did I get waist deep into this before the lecturing began?

You swoop in and demand attention and create a scene. You whisper in my ear, gleefully confirming my fears. You tell me the truth. And that, Doubt, is your single greatest power ~ the source from which all your strength flows ~ creating in me the feeling that yours is the only voice speaking truth! You cast yourself as the singular voice of reason and with a dismissive wave of your hand render everything positive silly. Immature. Infantile. Ridiculous. You, Doubt, are indeed the Devil.

So here you are. And here I am. And you have supplanted my instincts ~ taken them over and demanded that Instinct become Doubt. How am I to know when you have been dispatched on behalf of my own self-preservation and when your purpose is merely to suffocate?

I don't. I guess I don't.

But here, Doubt, is the thing you may not know. I've seen my fair share of fears becoming reality. And I survived. I survived disappointment. I survived failure. I survived having my very definition of myself taken from me. It sucked. There was not even one remotely pleasant moment about it. It was profoundly embarrassing and painful. But I survived. And so the truth is that while you still scare the shit out of me, I do not feel quite as compelled to bow to your whims as I used to. What are you going to do to me exactly? Anything that hasn't already been done? I survived.

Perhaps one of the perks of age is the weathering of disappointments and lost dreams. It's not so much that my fears have disappeared, they've just dissipated a little. I find them less paralyzing than I used to. Who knew failure carried with it a certain freedom? Who knew heartbreak came with a Free Gift With Purchase?

So Doubt, the questions aren't: What is your purpose here? or Do you scare me? The questions are, simply: How much of your advice will I heed? Will I allow you to define yourself as Common Sense? Will I allow you to paralyze me in order to avoid a possible hurt and that ever-present playground fear of being made fun of?

To that I take a deep breath, puff out my feathers and say:

I'm 40. Fuck you.

Sincerely, Ian

Do You Support Marriage Equality? The Full Vesuvius.

Since marriage equality roared suddenly out of the past and into the present a few months ago in New Jersey I, along with many other dedicated activists, have been diligently phone banking ~ asking our community to reach out to our representatives with the message that the time for marriage equality is now. (Due to the swift vetoing hand of Governor Christie, the time clearly isn't now, but we will get there.) The experience of making these calls has been humbling, enlightening, maddening, hilarious. It has been frustrating, depressing, wonderful, joyous. It has been full. And I made some new friends, for which I am thankful.

The beginning of each conversation involves finding out where the recipient stands on the issue. We ask if they support marriage equality for same-sex couples. Sometimes the answer is, "No."

No.

No.

Phone banking is not about changing minds. It's about sparking action. We could spend 1/2 hour trying to convince one person that the opinion they've diligently cultivated for the past 60 years is wrong or we can move on to 20 more people who believe in what we're doing and spur them to action. So we don't debate. It's not the forum and it's not the point. In this situation, it's a waste of time.

The older I get, the more I truly, truly understand and grasp the whole truth ~ that gay is boring as shit ~ imagine spending your whole life talking about and defending being straight? ~ because the only difference is all the bullshit that we're taught, absolutely not one syllable of which is true. And the older I get, the more I find I have less tolerance for "No." "No" forces me to step on my tongue, chew on the inside of my cheek and take a deep, cleansing breath. "No" creates a volcano in me and these conversations are not the place for the full Vesuvius.

My blog, however, is.

See below for the full Vesuvius:

Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell do you care if I get married? I've been with the same man for 14 years. How the fuck does it affect your life if I marry him? You know what ~ I don't think ugly people should be able to get married ~ and yes, I want to be the arbiter of ugly. I don't think stupid people should be able to get married. All that's going to happen is they're going to create more stupid people. Spousal abusers? No. Bad credit? No. I don't think people should be able to marry someone that their children don't like. Outstanding parking tickets? Houses foreclosed? Adulterers? No. No. No. I don't think people who wish to marry too young should be able to marry. I'll decide what's too young. Already pregnant? No. Never slept with anyone else? Absolutely not. So that one of them can stay in the country or because they just wanted to put each other on their health insurance or because they really just want a fucking party or because or because or because? No. No. No. No. No. No. Why isn't anyone calling me to ask me my opinion about these marriages? Why can't I call my legislators and ask them to vote "NO!" on a Pamela Anderson marriage? Or Britney? Or Kim Kardashian. I WANT MY SAY. I do not support another JLo marriage. I think she's probably impossible to live with. I don't know her. I don't know her any more than Chris Christie knows me, but I don't want her married. I think as a country we should have a referendum before anyone gets married. That person in your office so excited to go to Italy on their honeymoon? Yeah, everyone knows they're going to be divorced in five years. Why is no one weighing in on the legality of that marriage? Anna Nicole's marriage to a billionaire fifty years her senior? I don't think that was for love. I could be wrong. I don't ~ didn't ~ know either one of them. I don't care. It just made me feel creepy inside and I think I should be able to create a law based on my own personal feeling of ickiness towards them. And what will their marriage teach the children? How about any 70 year old man whose late-life crisis dictates that he marry an overly processed, pulled, tucked, plucked, tweezed, augmented and overly tanned 30 year old woman who's younger than his children? Where is my phone call? Because I would say, "No." And apparently my "No" could become law if enough people out there agree with me. I want the right to veto each and every marriage that I don't like.

How about this: I don't think that loving, happy, healthy, wonderful, committed straight couples who will be productive and go to work and pay their taxes and maybe raise children who will grow up to be wonderful citizens who help old people across the street or give that person in front of them in line a nickel so that they have exact change should be able to get married. Why? I just don't. And I don't have to explain my reasons to you. It's just a difference of opinion. And I want the law to reflect it.

But no one is asking me.

Our job seems clear: to make the question ridiculous. And offensive. We have come so far. We have so very far to go. Keep calling your legislators. Keep flash mobbing in JC Penny. Keep waving those flags and coming out of the closet. Keep living your lives, openly. Keep the momentum going. The war is over. We just have a lot of battles to fight.

A Thank You Note to the Plaintiffs of Prop 8

I thank you. I thank you on behalf of my younger self, who looked forward at his life and saw that things he wanted were not possible for him because of who he was. I thank you. I thank you for dedicating your lives to making sure that our LGBT youth no longer face the same future I faced. I thank you. I thank you for teaching our LGBT children that they will have the exact same options open to them as their straight counterparts as they go through their lives. I thank you. I thank you for teaching straight children that LGBT citizens are no different and should not be bound by a different set of laws. I thank you. I thank you for the tears I'm crying as I type this. Tears of joy and anger and inspiration and resolve to continue to fight until this ridiculous battle is laid to rest and visited only in history books. I thank you. I thank you for your courage. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. Sincerely, Ian Rosen

Fight For Marriage Equality In New Jersey From The Comfort Of Your Own Home!

PLEASE SHARE WITH EVERYONE YOU KNOW IN THE GARDEN STATE.

ONLY NEW JERSEY RESIDENTS CAN CONTACT NEW JERSEY REPRESENTATIVES.

It's cold. It's dark. It's the middle of winter and even though it's been pretty temperate these past few days, it seems people just want to curl up at home and re-emerge next spring.

But New Jersey's residents have no such luxury. Marriage equality is being debated RIGHT NOW. It is winding its way through the legislature and will likely wind up on Governor Christie's desk in the near future. He has vowed to veto any such bill, which means that we must double, triple and quadruple our efforts in order to secure enough votes to override his veto ~ in order that our voices be heard, our opinions be counted and our equality be won. And we can do it! We can do it if we all take just a few moments to tell our legislators that we are in favor of marriage equality.

Four minutes ~ three steps ~ to help make marriage equality a reality in New Jersey.

1) Copy & paste this link: http://www.njleg.state.nj.us/districts/districtnumbers.asp

It has New Jersey broken down into districts. Districts are listed by county and then broken down further by town. Find your town and click on your district.

2) That will take you to a page which lists your Senator, your Assemblymen/women and their office phone numbers. Call them at any time. If it's after business hours you can leave a message. If you know that your representatives are for marriage equality, thank them! ~ this is important because they rarely get positive feedback on any issue ~ and let them know that you are too. If they are against it or you don't know their position, just let them know that you "strongly support marriage equality in New Jersey." Then leave your name and your address. That's it! They'll put one more check mark in the For Marriage Equality column of their tally sheet. A tally sheet that they will absolutely consider as this debate progresses and as they go to vote.

If you'd like to take a moment to send a personal note to your representative(s), clicking on their names will lead to a page with a "Contact Your Legislator(s)" link.

No matter how you choose to communicate, and no matter what you representatives' views on this issue, always be respectful and polite.

3) Pass this on to everyone you know and share with them how empowered you feel knowing that your voice, literally, has been heard. Make sure they call too!!!

Don't just be proud. Be proud that you did something!

Thanks,

Ian

Calling for Equality, First Night

The last time I phone banked it was on behalf of Governor Corzine. We all know how well that went. In light of his recent re-emergence in the news, I’m not so sure his losing was a bad thing ~ although at least I would likely have been married by now. But whether his losing was good or bad is irrelevant. He lost. Governor Christie won. And whether you love him or hate him or find yourself somewhere in the middle is also irrelevant. He is our governor. And for the past few years I have found myself a somewhat inactive activist. We have a governor who has said that he would veto a marriage equality bill out of hand and not enough votes to override the veto. End of story.

I do not know the machinations that brought marriage equality, seemingly quite suddenly, up again in the New Jersey legislature. I do not know the machinations that have gotten the bill fast tracked for a vote. Nor do I know the machinations of Governor Christie’s apparent softening – for him – on the issue. I don’t know and I don’t care. Whatever the reasons, we have another opportunity to take the ball into the end zone. The bill has been introduced. It is time for the activists to be active. We have been roused from our Christie hibernation.

Last night was our first phone banking session ~ the beginning of Garden State Equality and the Human Rights Campaign’s push in New Jersey to finally see marriage equality become a reality. We call our supporters and ask that they, in turn, call their representatives with the message that New Jersey’s LGBT couples deserve to be treated equally under the law – they should be able to get married.

The truth is that I hate phone banking. I hate bothering people in the evening, in their homes, with their families, enjoying what is probably a small island of relaxation in an otherwise hectic day. I feel like I’m intruding. But I hold my breath and I wrinkle my nose like I’m taking some bad tasting medicine and I call. I call because it is something to do. I call because I find that I can not sit home and hope when there is work to be done. I call because there is truth to be spoken and there are changes to be made. I call. And I call. And I call. One tiny call at a time that sometimes seems not to be moving the world in the slightest. I call. Some people are rude. Some people hang up. Some people have no idea why we are calling or what Garden State Equality or the Human Rights Campaign is. I call. I call to spread information, because most people don’t know what’s going on in Trenton. I call because most people don’t truly understand that their representatives will listen to them – and that they tally calls on every issue in “for” and “against” columns. I call because good people are too often silent. I call because the voice of the government should not be one more voice that bullies our LGBT children and reinforces the ignorance of bigots. I call because fear is a successful motivating factor for our opponents and because they use it to great advantage. I hate to call. But I call because our opponents have no such aversion. I call. Because you never know which call will be one that changes the world just a little.

I call for equality.

Dear New Year's Resolute ~

Welcome to the gym! I doubt you'll be here long, but even if you only make it to Valentine's Day, this will come in handy. It might seem a tad rough, but believe me, it's better than pissing off some guy who's already on the verge of a serious 'roid rage and is just looking for any excuse to Naomi Campbell your ass. You'll thank me later.

A few rules ~

30 minute limit on the cardio equipment. 30 minutes. That's it. That sign. Taped to the mirror. Right in front of your face? The one that says, "30 minute limit on the cardio equipment"? In gym-speak that means that there's a 30 minute limit on the cardio equipment. And may I be blunt? You haven't broken a sweat since TiVo eliminated the need for you to scurry back into your living room. You aren't going to lose that 40lbs in one manic 5 hour cardio session. You can set the Stepmill to Kilimanjaro and grunt to your pasty, near-unconscious delight. You can Lance Armstrong the stationary bike in your Hefty Bag sweatsuit until you are a ball of hyperventilating pulp. You can white-knuckle the treadmill until you collapse and get spit out like a baseball at a batting cage. But the truth is this: if you were built like soft-serve in a condom when you got on that machine, you will be built like soft-serve in a condom when you get off that machine. Your goal can not be accomplished in a single session. You are going to have to come back and do this again. Dedication, not dehydration, is the key to altering your body. So get the hell off the machine and don't give ME a dirty look when I ask if I can use it after you've been on it for 90 minutes. Dedication.

The answer is "Yes, you can work in with me." Here at the gym we do a little thing that we like to call sharing, maybe you've heard of it. (If you haven't got the foggiest idea what "working in" means, look it up.) (If you haven't got the foggiest idea what sharing means, get that Chicken Soup for the Soul book or that Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten book. I've never personally read either of them, but I'm gonna bet they might help to clarify things.) Sharing.

Loafers?

Do you have to do your set right in front of the weight rack? No. No you don't. Step away from the rack! So that you aren't - I don't know - blocking every. Single. Other. Person. From using the weights. It's just common courtesy. You are not here alone. And, not for nothin', if it's too heavy to carry four feet, then it's too fucking heavy for you to exercise with. Courtesy.

Jeans?

There is just absolutely no need to gyrate and thrust and make yourself look generally silly in order to lift the heaviest weight at the gym. Much in the same way that wearing a zero when she's an 8 makes Mariah Carey look fatter than she actually is, lifting with a weight that's too heavy doesn't make you look strong, it just makes you look like a douchebag. Momentum is not your friend. You're trying to build muscle, not a pyramid. So start with a weight you can manage and work your way up to that Arnold weight in the corner. Dedication.

Re-rack your weights! Courtesy. Douchebag. Too heavy.

Flip flops?

Clearly you're excited about the sweating (Not since TiVo!!!), but you know, we here at the gym indulge in a little accessory we like to refer to as - a towel. We sweat. We love to sweat. And we pretty much sweat on everything. And then we wipe that shit down before moving on or before we allow someone else - learning curve in action - to work in with us. Sharing. Courtesy. Douchebag. Wipe down.

That bench? It's not a park bench. Neither is it a coffee table, mantle, footrest or phone booth. (Hang up!) It's a bench. Which we use. To lift. And when we're done, we wipe it down and re-rack our weights. And sometimes, if the gym is crowded, we let someone else work in with us. Sharing. Courtesy. Douchebag. Wipe down. Park bench.

To recap: Dedication. Sharing. Courtesy. Too heavy. Douchebag. Work in. Wipe down. Re-rack. Soft-serve. Condom. Park bench. Hang up. Work out.

I think that if you follow these few, simple rules, you'll find that the gym is a great place to be. And you might find those mean gym-rats to be all warm and fuzzy. And maybe you'll stay past the first really cold day.

WELCOME TO THE GYM!

Sincerely,

All The Gym-Goers Who Are Annually Annoyed By The Sudden Influx Of The Resolute Yet Clueless

Letter to Newt

“I think, for those for whom the only issue that really matters is the definition of marriage, I won’t get their support, and I accept that that’s a reality. On the other hand, for those for whom it’s not the central issue in their life, if they care about job creation, if they care about national security, if they care about a better future for the country at large, then I think I’ll get their support.” Newt Gingrich to gay Iowan Scott Arnold on December 20, 2011

Dear Newt -

For the past week I have been writing and rewriting a letter to you regarding this exchange you had with Mr. Arnold. It has so infuriated me that I find I can barely put a word on paper without splintering off into the myriad ways you are wrong - and I'd be remiss if I didn't point out laughably hypocritical - on the issue of gay rights and on equality in general.

In the above quote not only do you make it clear that you believe equality to be a stand alone issue, you make clear your belief that it is an issue having only to do with gay people and, most disturbingly, an issue at odds with the obviously more pressing concerns of other, "real" Americans - job creation, national security and "a better future for the country at large."

Newt, only in your funhouse-mirror-view of this country are any of these subtle - or maybe not so subtle - implications true. You can white-knuckle yesterday's hatred in an attempt to burnish your credibility with the Religious Right (and considering your own run-ins with the morality police, it is understandable, albeit disgusting) all you want. You can peddle fear in exchange for a few votes. You can pit citizen against citizen by painting those who seek equality as doing so in a selfish vacuum while characterizing others as having more magnanimous, altruistic worries like the betterment of the country "at large.” You can, you have and you will again. But it doesn't make you right and it doesn't make you anything more than a greasy, dime store politician.

Newt, those of us for whom marriage equality is a central issue are, in fact, fighting for a better future for our country - for every citizen. We understand, as you, apparently, do not, that discrimination against one is discrimination against all.

You mention national security as an issue more pressing than equality. You have said that you would reinstate DADT. As you attempt to bundle our equality neatly into a pile off to the side of American politics, might I remind you about the tens of thousands of military personnel hunted down and discharged under that abhorrent policy. And might I ask you if you can say for certain that no contributions were lost to the witch-hunt of institutionalized bigotry? Can you say without a doubt that nothing was lost when some of our finest Arab linguists were unceremoniously fired, not for their performance on the job, but solely for being, or thought to be, gay? Can you say that not one life would have been saved by a discharged medic? Not one code intercepted? Not one IED dismantled? You cannot, Newt. And yet it is you who thinks that national security comes before, rather than next to, equality.

You mention job creation as an issue of vital importance the voters of this country. On that point we agree. I’m sure you’re aware that in 29 states it is perfectly legal to fire someone solely for being gay. Now I ask you, when someone is fired for being gay, is that person’s need for equality more important or less important than their need to find another job. Is that person an unemployed homo or an out of work American? Gay or American, Newt? You tell me.

Those of us fortunate enough to have jobs find that marriage equality is another issue which reaches into every aspect of our lives. I’ll spare you the horror stories of couples split apart at the hospital in times of crisis – of the message we send to our gay children by showing them that they will be unable to participate fully in this country when they grow up. I’ll spare you the issues of the heart and humanity and stick to a language you understand - money. When an unmarried person has their partner on their health insurance, those premiums come from money that has already been taxed. If that couple were married, that money would be taken out of their check pre-tax, which means that gay couples have less money to spend than they would if they were in a federally recognized marriage. That is money we could spend - money that would help to stimulate the economy and grow jobs, no? Now I ask you, is this money that we could be spending plain old-fashioned money or is it gay money? Again Newt, gay or American? Please advise.

For us, civil rights are not an either/or issue. Either equality or national security. Either equality or the ecomony. They cannot be separated, no matter how hard you might try. They are not part of a pie chart of issues that we face. They are, in fact, the entire chart. These laws reach into our wallets and our workplaces, our homes and our families, and characterizing them as singular shows your unsettlingly simple view of the roadblocks facing gay people every single day of our lives. Our civil rights are an umbrella under which we live. They affect every issue. They are all encompassing.

For your part, it seems clear that you would like to see the chasm between LGBT Americans and “real” Americans widened and cemented in your proposed policies – you would see DADT reinstated; you would stop gays from adopting; you would propose a constitutional amendment barring us from getting married. How this country is made better by blocking an entire segment of the population from fully participating and investing in it is thoroughly beyond me. Please Newt, elaborate.

It appears, Newt, that you would prefer we just go away. Sorry. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how you may scare people too ignorant to know better and drive up your polling numbers with easy, reliable hatred towards the gay community, we are here. We are not separate. We are content to neither go away nor be silent. And as much as you would like to “otherize” us, we are your sisters (in your case, literally), your brothers, your fathers, mothers, cousins, friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc. We are everywhere. And we contribute to and take from this country in the exact same ways as heterosexual Americans - at least insofar as the current laws will allow. Believe it or not, we are here, affected by the economy, joblessness and national security just like everyone else. In many cases, due to the uneven playing field, more.

Sincerely, Ian Rosen